After I had my second child, I experienced postpartum depression.
It felt confusing, debilitating, and I felt a lot of shame in not feeling joyous, but instead feeling numb. I had just been given this amazing new life, and I had a really hard time connecting to myself and my family. It was scary processing all of this, feeling like you are the only one going through these feelings. It felt isolating.
My anxieties about having these two precious lives depend on me to keep them alive felt overwhelming. My husband spends half the week away, so I just really got in my head about being the only parents at home during this time. The anxiety completely took over my sleep, and I found it hard to settle down. If you’ve ever experienced depression, you know that sometimes it can feel more like numbness rather than sadness. It’s a hard cycle to break from, the more numb you feel, the harder you are on yourself for feeling numb.
I mourned the loss of not being able to connect as much to my older child. I just couldn’t between the nursing, lack of sleep. When you gain something, it does feel a little bittersweet, because that usually means a change and the loss of something else.
It took me awhile to come back from this fog, this strange in between time. For me, therapy and medication worked. Someone recently commented on how calm I am, and it surprised me a little, because I have had a lot of real moments of anxiety and stress. I’m still taking medication, and for me it works. Completely understand it’s not for everyone.
I can’t imagine a life without my children. Our family feels complete, whole, and these two souls were brought into my life for a reason. They are what keep me grounded, fill my life in ways I never new possible.
With me sharing my experience, I want to break down the walls of what motherhood should feel and look like. It’s okay to not feel okay. Hormones are no joke, and change is hard. There can be intense joy one minute and extreme sadness the next. It’s hard to juggle life and motherhood. It can feel lonely. It can feel like your body is no longer yours. You are not alone in feeling these intense emotions.
My hope with this “model call” (I feel silly calling it a model call because I really want you to be your authentic self, not a model!) is to break down that surface “everything is okay” vibe. I want to get real with you, I want to see the juggle, the struggle, the tears of sadness and joy, the one minute of peace you get in your day in between the chaos, the struggle to just take a shower! We should honor those moments, normalize them. I’m doing this because I do need to heal a part of myself, and I hope that this will heal a part of you. And others who experience these feelings.
If you are open to being a little vulnerable, showing some skin on skin connection, sharing a moment of your day, please reach out! I firmly believe that Art can HEAL. My vision it to create a series of photographs and a video of what a typical day might look like. If you have a newborn or are about to, and you also have a toddler, please reach out. In exchange for your time, you will receive all edited images and the video.
Let's create something beautiful!
Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org